Keroppi HQ

Freaking out – Jan 18th 2026

I keep going mental lately about "getting old"

I've always been someone who suppresses their emotions A LOT and there's a lot of things about myself I never properly actualised or even really knew.

I guess the biggest thing that gets me right now is the thought that I should have known I was gay (or I guess more accurately queer) much earlier. And all the experiences I missed out on by not being true to myself.

I've always just had little to no sense of self it seems like, and was happier just shelving my personalty or any vibrant aspect of myself. Maybe it's part of being non-binary and not caring about gender whatsoever, or being autistic, or just avoiding others for a very long time. I just ended up removing myself from the loop entirely.

And I find myself blaming a lot of things and not knowing how to really deal with it. Like society or school for not guiding me.

And I just really hate myself a lot at the moment. I feel sick when I look at myself. I don't want to get older, look older, feel older. None of it.

It's like I'm in mourning for a timeline of my teens and my 20s I didn't have.

Idk how to shift this feeling like I'm over the hill. And how attempts to express myself how I wish I did 10 years ago will just seem pathetic now. I feel like I'm acting like a teenager all the time, seeking attention. Fishing for compliments. It makes me feel so worthless and desperate.

And I'm unsure how to be normal about making friends or gaining validation. It's like I'm trying to speedrun the process and it's very one-sided and selfish.

I just want to be liked. I want queer people to think I'm cute. I want boys to like me the most. It's something that keeps popping up at different moments in my life, so it must mean something to me that other things don't.

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Streaming – Jan 16th 2026

I want to get back into streaming.

My twitch year-in-review thing said that I only streamed a handful of times in 2025. Even when I was streaming more, I was never as social with it as I would like to be and mainly focused on the speedrunning.

This year I would like to really try just playing games for fun and making more connections with people.

I feel like there's a lot of love in my heart and I want to find more means of relating to people - hopefully streaming helps with that.

Maybe using webcam will help with my self-image; or relating to people further, or both. I don't know.

Worth a shot.

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Birthday – Jan 11th 2026

Yesterday was my 30th birthday!

Seeing friends was really nice. 😊

I tend to forget that I exist to other people, so for everyone to be so nice to me and tell me they've thought about me or looked at my website or my speedruns was really heartwarming, even if I find it tricky to take it on board.

I hope to see them more and put in more of an effort this year - It's worth it!

The fit:

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Domain change / Site ideas – Jan 3rd 2026

I purchased the domain name callumbal.com!!

There's also a lot more I want to do with this site but it's hard to find the motivation.

I need to update the photos in my Keroppi collection for one thing - I've amassed a LOT more since I last posted.

Would be cool to catalogue them as well for posterity, there's so little info online about some of these items.

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Unfiltered stream – Jan 2nd 2026

Just as it says really. I'm just going to say whatever is on my mind and try not overthink it.

I've been longing for some kind of outlet for my thoughts and feelings for a long time now, and social media just doesn't cut it.

I'm hoping if i put things down in writing it can help me actualise them. This blog is a *loose* new year's resolution I have about accountability and just feeling like I have some sort of purpose in the world.

I've been trying really hard to be more social lately and it has been going pretty well.

I'm turning 30 in a week and I'm definitely ruminating a lot about getting older and feeling like I've lost so much of my youth.

I still don't know where I fit in the world and I still don't really seem to be able to connect with other people in meaningful ways.

I'm growing ever more fearful of dying alone without having ever been contented with anything.

I'm pretty nihilistic so a big part of me says what's the point anyway, it's all just fluff to distract from the inevitable sad end anyhow.

It's hard to set goals when it all feels like a fools errand.

I hate to be so disattached like that, yet it's been this way for a long time now.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this.

Do others feel as dispondent as me?

It feels like there's a trick I'm missing to not otherthink things.

I'll think about what if I bit my tongue most of the time I eat.

Or I'll go to a gig and only be able to think "this is the bit you're meant to like. This is the bit you're supposed to switch off." And it never happens.

Every single night I just hate sleeping. How are you supposed to turn it off?

I hope 2026 is the year I find whatever missing link it is that stops me from getting so stuck on everything.

The hope is it's one of those "your brain is missing this chemical and this pill with fix you" scenarios.

Maybe I just have aggressive ADHD or whatever the fuck. I feel like I have so little control over it at times and it's just tragic.

Not a particularly positive first entry but it's just what I'm feeling.

Between now and next entry I want to try keep up socialising with others and just striving to keep my brain engaged with ANYTHING.

Try and find more "tricks" to keep my brain occupied instead of vapidly whittling hours away going around in circles in my head in bed or staring at my PC screen with nothing happening.